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It is important to start our responsible journey with a positive perspective and attitude. We’ve all lived responsibly at various times in the past. To succeed now, we must simply put together a series of these responsible choices and begin to stabilize our lives. And we must believe in ourselves.
Responsible living has many rewards. A major one is the peace of mind that comes with a clean conscience. We will no longer need to constantly look over our shoulder, and worry about being caught and punished.
Living responsibly also brings with it true personal freedom.
• Freedom to realize our potential
• Freedom to use our talents
• Freedom from personal jeopardy
• Freedom to grow and develop
• Freedom from the misery of a guilty conscience
• Freedom to openly be ourselves.
The constant worry and anxiety that are part of living a life of lies will disappear. Instead, there will be a sense of pride, self-respect and integrity. Spiritual and intellectual suffocation will be replaced with the sense of accomplishment and self-esteem that comes from an honest day’s work. Gradually, we will begin to trust ourselves and earn the trust and respect of others.
These rewards are non-existent in the criminal way of life. As criminals, we are never satisfied. The more we get, the more we want. The more we succeed, the more we crave success. The more we prove ourselves, the more often we feel the need to prove ourselves again. Nothing is ever good enough for us, not even ourselves.
Sure a criminal life can be exciting, but that’s not to say that a responsible life is devoid of excitement or pleasure. It simply takes a different form. And over time, it becomes even more exciting, pleasurable, and fulfilling as we begin to build a life for ourselves and start earning the trust and respect of others. With this comes an inner peace that money can’t buy..
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In order to prepare ourselves to live responsibly, it is important to recognize and accept all of the consequences of our decision to change. Not only must we understand the rewarding consequences, but also the difficult ones. If we ever hope to change in a lasting way, we must start by understanding what change really means – and what it entails.
The consequences of our decision to live a responsible life can be as difficult as they are rewarding and enjoyable. Living responsibly requires more effort and sacrifice than simply doing what we want when we want to do it. Taking responsibility entails problem solving, fact finding, sacrifice, and self-motivation. We must learn to deal constructively with disappointment and adversity. And, we need to accept restraints and acknowledge that we cannot control everything.
We will also have to do things that, in the past, were difficult for us. We will need to swallow our pride and resist our desire to get even when we feel disrespected. And, we will be required to put the needs and feelings of others above our own.
To live responsibly, we will have to follow all the rules - even those we don’t understand or agree with. We might not comprehend the necessity of a certain rule, however, that does not give us license to disregard it. Certainly, if we do not understand a rule or think it is unfair, we can attempt to have it changed. But, we cannot ever behave as if it doesn’t exist just because it doesn’t fall in line with our own idea of what is right.
As we begin to struggle with responsibility, it is inevitable that at times we will become bored and even somewhat depressed. We will miss the excitement of our past way of life. However, we can relieve the boredom by continuously focusing on all the little details of changing ourselves and learning to live responsibly.
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When we act irresponsibly, we may benefit somewhat in the short-term, but in the end, we will suffer a consequence because of the nature of cause and effect. If we call in sick to work because there is something else we want to do, we may benefit for the moment because we get to do what we wanted to do. But, we also risk losing our job and the things our salary provides. And, even if we are not caught, we may lose our pay for the day and also risk damaging our sense of self-esteem as a result of lying. Likewise, if we choose to watch television instead of studying for an important exam, it may be easier and more enjoyable at the time, but we won’t do as well on the exam and we may even fail. These consequences don’t happen as a punishment, but simply because that is the way life is.
In my own life, I have found the same thing. My irresponsible choices usually had some short-term benefits, but they were far outweighed by the long-term consequences. Living irresponsibly is like buying on credit. By the time we pay it off, we’ve paid far more than it was worth. Conversely, while responsible choices may require sacrifices and take effort, they usually lead to increasingly positive rewards in the future. Struggling to live responsibly is like making an investment - an investment in our future – that will pay dividends. I’ve found that responsible behavior usually pays dividends. The total benefit of my responsible actions is often greater than my initial investment of time, energy, and effort.
Every little thing we do - every choice, every thought and every act - unquestionably plays a role in dictating the consequences of our lives. And although we can choose to pay now or pay later, eventually we will always pay.
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In order to provide the moral foundation and guidance necessary to turn our lives around, I believe that we must find and accept a power greater than ourselves. Accepting the existence of this higher power can help strengthen us and help us find the consistency, resolve, and courage we need to change.
Some people may find it difficult to believe in a higher power. For much of my life, I was the same way. But then I looked at the world around me and realized that it couldn’t have happened by accident. Believing our world and universe was created by some sort of random explosion is like believing that we could detonate a pile of garbage and then, when the dust cleared, have a fully furnished house complete with cable television and a well-stocked refrigerator.
There is just too much purpose and harmony in this world for there to be no purpose in life. There is too much diversity. Our existence is too structured, too balanced, and too wonderfully beautiful for there to be no divine providence.
However, even though I truly believe in a loving God who wants the best for each of us, I am not trying to convert anyone to my religious beliefs. Your higher power or higher purpose may take any form you envision. It may be God. Or it may be honesty, truth, family, love, freedom, or even success.
Mental health requires that the human will submit itself to something higher than itself. To function decently in this world we must submit ourselves to some principle that takes precedence over what we might want at any given moment.
Peck, M. Scott M.D., “PEOPLE OF THE LIE: THE HOPE FOR HEALING HUMAN EVIL” (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1983) pp 172
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The next step in our preparation to change should be to take an inventory of our lives. In order to take a proper inventory we need to:
• Write down all the things we have done wrong in our lives and list the consequences – for ourselves and others. This step will take some time. It is not good enough to quickly scan our lives and say, “I’ve made a lot of mistakes and being in jail has been miserable for me,” and then be finished.
• Be thorough. For our list to be effective, we must drop all our defenses and write down every crime, irresponsible behavior and lie that we can remember.
• Search out all the flaws and faults in ourselves which may have contributed to this criminal lifestyle. It is important to figure out why we have made the choices that we did.
• List our fears and resentments.
• Make amends and restitution whenever possible. There will be some wrongs which we can never right, but we must make an honest attempt to make things right.
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To prepare for the change process, we should first:
• Formalize the acceptance of our problems and confirm our commitment to change. We can do this by declaring, not only to ourselves but also to another person, that we have been irresponsibel and committed crimes - and that we intend to do something to turn our lives around.
• Accept full responsibility for our past, present, and future choices.
• Stop blaming others for our problems and seeing ourselves as victims of life’s circumstances when we suffer the harsh consequences of our actions.
• Recognize and accept that our success, or failure, in life is fully dependent on the choices we make.
As human beings with intelligence, self-awareness and free will, we have the responsibility (response - ability) to be the cause of the consequences we want in our lives. We have the ability to respond to the circumstances in our life in a way that leads to success and happiness.
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| Once we have accepted our weaknesses and acknowledged a need to change, the next step is to make the commitment to do anything, and everything, necessary to change. If we want to be successful, we can’t go into this half-heartedly; we must be willing to do whatever it takes. This entails not only making the commitment to ourselves, but also to other people in our lives who can help us stay focused.
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Our first major step towards change involves reviewing our life’s choices and their consequences. We must admit to ourselves that we are a criminal – we are guilty of committing a crime – and that we need to change. Certainly, there may have been times when we’ve acted responsibly and honestly. And even times when we have been very helpful and loving. However, these positive instances do not, and cannot, make up for the damage done by even one criminal or irresponsible act.
Few of us are willing to admit that there may be something wrong with us. We feel that it is a sign of weakness to do so. Even while sitting in a prison cell, I didn’t view myself as a criminal or a threat to society. I saw others as the real criminals. Guys that were in prison for murder and rape – those were the real criminals. I convinced myself that my property crimes and drug offenses weren’t violent, and that nobody really got hurt. I told myself that I was basically a good person who had just made a mistake.
The failure to accept that we are criminals and admit that we need to change can be one of the biggest obstacles to overcome. Almost every criminal has an excuse for his or her criminal and irresponsible behavior. Some claim that they are the victim of a racist or corrupt system. Others blame drugs, the people they hung around with, their childhood, or even the victims themselves. Many of us hearken back all the good things we have ever done and believe that this somehow atones for our mistakes. Or, we self-righteously list all the crimes that we would never commit, while overlooking the pain and suffering we have already caused. Yet, “until a person can say deeply and honestly ‘I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday’ that person cannot say, ‘I choose otherwise’.”
Much of the time, we’re not the only ones who downplay the impact of our actions. Often family and friends will unintentionally deny our need to change by maintaining that we just made a mistake. They blame our actions on our friends, on drugs, or on some other scapegoat. Although this may be comforting for everyone, it can be harmful if it prevents us from acknowledging our need to change.
Certainly, not everyone in prison is a criminal - and not all criminals are in prison. However, if you have committed a crime and making mistakes has become a pattern in your life, then you are a criminal and you need to figure out what is wrong.
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| The choice to live responsibly is only the first of an infinite series of choices. Realistically, the decision to live responsibly must be made again and again, each day, with each choice we make. This is not easy. However, most of us are very stubborn when it comes to getting what we want. There isn’t much we can’t do when we set our minds to it. Thus, if we can simply focus this passion and single-mindedness away from irresponsible and criminal activities and toward responsible living, we are bound to succeed.
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| Although most guys leave prison with the intention of never returning, the high recidivism rates prove them wrong. The fact is that no true change can ever happen without the proper focus, effort and endurance. No one is going to eliminate a lifetime of irresponsible thoughts and behaviors overnight. True change doesn’t happen magically – it requires you to do something.
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The first time I was released from prison, I didn’t think there was a need for a complete and total change. I believed that dabbling with irresponsibility was acceptable as long as I didn’t cross the line. I could drink and party as long as I didn’t do any “heavy drugs”. I could lie and cheat at work as long as I didn’t do anything that I could get arrested for.
However, I now realize that whenever I allow myself to start acting irresponsibly, I always end up crossing that line. That is just the way I am. One irresponsible act always leads to another even more irresponsible act. Step-by-step my behavior snowballs and it becomes harder and harder to control myself. As time passes, I want to do something a little more exciting and a little more daring. I want more risk and more “fun”. And, eventually I lose sight of reality.
In this regard, I am much like the alcoholic who only intends to have one drink, but ends up losing control and getting drunk. Certainly, some men and women can think and act irresponsibly at times and yet never cross the line. Or if they do, they can pull themselves back and regain control. However, some of us cannot. Just as an alcoholic can never take the first drink, we cannot allow ourselves the first irresponsible act.
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| I have often heard that taking responsibility is the key to finding a solution. I would like to take this one step further: taking responsibility is also the key to creating a solution. Rather than simply accepting the consequences of our behavior, taking responsibility for our life means actively using our abilities of examination and imagination to create the consequences we want in our life. Living responsibly entails taking control of our life by choosing to respond to all of the challenges we face in a manner that is directed by our purpose, our goals, and the reality of our situation. With each choice we make, we create our own consequences and we create our own opportunities.
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Although educational, vocational, and drug/alcohol abuse programs all play an important role in criminal rehabilitation, they are secondary to the development of personal character. No matter how skillful or brilliant we are, we cannot be successful if we lack integrity, self-control, self-esteem, and empathy for others. It is impossible for us to grow through deceit and insincerity. A fundamentally flawed character can only lead to distorted thoughts and perceptions. Thoughts and perceptions that then lead to irresponsible behavior.
Current educational and vocational programs offered to criminals lack the basics required to help us lead a responsible life. Solely educating a criminal will only result in an educated criminal – not a changed criminal. These programs simply do not provide the knowledge or demand the intensity of focus or conviction necessary for the enormous amount of change required. We may gain skills and knowledge, but if we retain our errors in thinking and perception, we will remain fundamentally flawed.
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I can still remember the day that I decided to do whatever it took to change and turn my life around. I was sitting in a prison cell in Appleton Minnesota and the reality of my situation hit me like a freight train. I started to cry. I just couldn't believe that my life had ended up the way it had. And, I was scared that I had dug a hole so deep for myself that there was no chance of redemption.
My wife had left me and I had just returned from the funeral service of a good freind who had passed away from spinal meningitus at the age of 23. I remember thinking how fragile life was, and feelng an extreem sorrow and shame for how my life had turned out. I knew that I had to do something - or nothing was ever going to change. So, I resolved to do whatever it took to get my life back on track.
Yet, even as I made this promise to myself I realized that I had made this resolution to change many times in the past - usually the result of being caught and punished. However, in the past, this desire to change would usually fade quickly and the vicious cycle would start over. One tiny irresponsible act would lead to another. Each act would become a little more irresponsible until eventually I was back doing the same things as before – or even worse. It was as if I were challenging the fates to bring me down. When they didn’t, I rejoiced in my shrewdness. However, this short-lived merriment always ended with the painful slap of reality once I got caught…and resolved to change again.
It is hardly surprising that every guy in prison that I talked to was caught in a similar vicious cycle. We had vowed to change at some point in our lives, only to revert back to our criminal ways. We would tell ourselves that we would never again use drugs, steal or hurt others. But, we did. None of us ever wanted to be arrested or return to prison. But, we did. We all wanted to be successful, important, and in control. We wanted to make our friends and families proud. But all we ever seemed to do was cause them pain and suffering.
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“The reason why we can never truly be happy or successful when we achieve, accomplish, or gain something through irresponsible or criminal means is that we don’t earn any inner sense of self-worth, pride, self-respect or accomplishment. If we cheat and win, although others may praise us, we know inside that our success is worthless because we cheated. And we actually diminish our self-esteem and self-respect because through our actions we tell ourselves that we don’t have enough confidence in ourselves to try winning without cheating. And if we steal from others, we don’t earn the sense of accomplishment, pride and self-worth that comes from responsibly being productive and we perpetuate a reputation with ourselves as a thief and a liar. And, again, we also damage our self-esteem by convincing ourselves that we need to steal in the first place. Thus, even though we may win or become wealthy, we remain empty inside because we don’t reap any internal rewards, which are much more important than any external reward could ever be. This is why, when we live an irresponsible and criminal way of life, we are never satisfied. We endlessly continue to try to fill this inner void - to make ourselves feel proud, worthy, happy, successful and satisfied. Yet, unless we change and begin to honestly achieve and accomplish things through responsible living, we will never be able to truly feel any of these wonderful emotions, and we will continue to crave excitement and power in a misguided attempt to cover the inner void that this creates.”
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“Throughout our lives we have chosen to view ourselves and the world around us from a distorted, unrealistic point of view - a point of view which played a fundamental role in the way we lived our lives. Instead of consistently seeking the awareness of reality, we avoided it. We chose to focus on those things that allowed us to pursue and achieve our criminal objectives, and avoided the awareness of any deterrents. Now, we must learn to focus our conscious awareness more realistically. We must develop a new perspective on life - a perspective that is guided by fundamental truths and principles instead of unrealistic thoughts and beliefs.”
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| “When we choose not to correct and learn from our mistakes, they gain power over us. They serve to perpetuate self-deception, and damage any trust or confidence we may have in ourselves…. For us, making a little mistake isn’t so much the issue. Instead, it is our past pattern of making exceptions and excuses for our mistakes, failing to learn from them, and continually allowing one mistake or slip-up to lead to another, and another, and another.”
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